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How in the hell did it get to be the middle of November?As of last weekend, I'm done with all my national and international travel, and looking forward to spending The Holidays at home...which means I'm getting ready to cook! I cook like a fiend, and I love to make fabulous food, but I'm usually not around to be able to, cause I'm on the road dancing. But once I get home- and get into the kitchen- watch out!
The following recipe an adaptation of a scrumptious, sweet, savory and very spicy holiday dressing that has been in my family for over half a century. I have been eating it for as long as I can remember, and making it myself for over thirty years.
My entire family are great cooks; it’s
in our blood! My sisters Eddie, Cupcake and I even had a ridiculously popular
food blog for a few years called “The Haphazard Gourmet”, which was named after a popular
cook book my father, the late author Richard Gehman, wrote in 1966, when I was
a mere tot.
One
of the biggest ironies in my life is that though I love to cook, I almost never
have the chance to do it. During the holidays, when I am home, I
always cook up a storm, and this
dressing is one of the things I love to make. It is extremely work intensive,
and has a boatload of ingredients…but I’m tellin’ you, all the labor is worth
it! Since it’s so very close to Thanksgiving, and you might already have your meal plans set, you maybe will want to save this to make for Christmas or New Year’s
Eve… or just have a Thanksgiving “rehearsal”!
Something
that this stuffing has taught me over the years, is that if you are great cook
and make something this luscious…
SOMEBODY ELSE WILL OFFER TO CLEAN UP THE
KITCHEN FOR YOU!
A
little history on the dressing
itself: my father was a famous writer,
a bohemian bon vivant, and an extraordinary cook, who absolutely adored
making-and enjoying- extraordinary food. Actually, now that I think about, my father
was not unlike Don Draper from "Mad Men"! Anyway, before I was born,
he interviewed his friend Morton Thompson, also a very well-known writer and
man-about-town, and apparently this stuffing originated with Morton Thompson. I’ve
put a link to my father’s article, and the original recipe at the bottom of
this post, if you want to look it up.
This
Gehman family take on Morton Thompson's recipe makes a ton of dressing, enough to feed an
army and last you, your family, friends and neighbors for a few days so you can
halve the recipe if you don’t want lots of leftovers… but of course you will want them, cause this
dressing is the damn bomb!
Before
I go into the exact details, you need to know a couple of the most important
parts of the recipe.
The
first thing is that there was a reason my father’s book, and our family cooking blog,
were both called “The Haphazard Gourmet”. It’s because we improvise freely
in the kitchen… swirling around like a tornado in an apron, using crazy
ingredients, adding or subtracting them, making do with whatever is around.
Just
like improvisation in dancing or acting, it’s fun to improvise in the kitchen.
Don’t be scared to cook according to your own taste, and don’t feel lost
without specific measurements. I’m
just giving you a guideline… don't be afraid of to making substitutions or adding
in some new elements. My own personal version of this is quite different than
the original version, but they taste similar and they’re both divine.
The
second thing you need to know is that while you are making the dressing, you
need to brag loudly, obnoxiously and continuously, or it simply won’t turn out
right.
Tell
everyone within earshot that you are not only foxy, but also the best cook on
earth and they’re blessed just to be in the same house as you, inhaling the
same oxygen that you’re breathing.
Tell
them they’ll be on their knees kissing your feet- just after they take their
first bite! Let them know you are an immortal being with culinary gifts from
the heavens above…then let THEM clean up your mess…and thank you profusely the
whole time!
Once
I was cooking for Thanksgiving with my neighbor, and he had a recipe for
dressing he got off the Internet, which he wanted me to make.
“Are
you kidding?”
I cried, “I never
use recipes, I always cook by instinct! You’re gonna love this!”
He
regarded me suspiciously, like I was a teenage shoplifter.
“Ok,”
he said finally, “But if you fuck this up, I’m going to be really mad.”
“No
problem!”, I sniffed indignantly.
The
moment he tasted my stuffing, a strange look came over his face… the kind of
pie-eyed expression guys get in romantic comedies when they realize they’re in
love. He finally shook it off and came back to earth, and exclaimed loudly,
“I
will never doubt another word you say, as long as I am alive!”
Then
he started cleaning the kitchen.
So:
you will need a large frying pan with a cover, couple of small bowls, a couple
of large bowls, aluminum foil, and two Pyrex or disposable aluminum baking
pans.
INGREDIENTS:
Two
boxes bread cubes or stuffing mix, of any type you prefer
Six
stalks of celery- take off the strings
Two
green peppers
Four
large yellow onions
Six
to ten fresh garlic cloves (or fresh mashed garlic from a jar)
A
handful of loose white mushrooms
Two
large apples (red or green, either is fine)
Two
large oranges, or a medium sized can of Mandarin oranges
Two
cans of sliced or chunk pineapple in plain water- not syrup
One
large can sliced water chestnuts
One
and a half giant handfuls of walnut halves or walnut pieces ** I have even
thrown in pecans, and in some years added pre-made trail mix here as well. Like
I said, improvise!
Two
large containers of chicken or vegetable stock
Quarter
pound stick of butter… if you don’t eat dairy, then eliminate this step, and
just use more stock to keep the stuffing moist.
Four
or five links of spicy Italian sausages- if you don’t like traditional pork
sausage, chicken or turkey sausage is ok… and again, if you are a vegetarian, just
eliminate the sausage altogether!
HERBS:
The
herbs can be fresh or dried; it’s your call! Fresh is better though.
You’ll
need rosemary, oregano, sage, marjoram and thyme… plus three or four large,
whole bay leaves, and a small bunch of fresh parsley. The parsley must be fresh. Separate the leaves
from the stems, and snip them up with a scissors.
If
you’re using dried herbs, use a quite liberal pinch or about a very full
teaspoon of each; for fresh herbs, then cut up a few leaves of each. I usually
go heavy on the sage and rosemary for a more savory taste. Put these herbs into
a bowl, mix them up, and set them aside for now.
SPICES:
I’ll
say this again: I don’t measure when I cook, I do it mad scientist style!
So, for the following spices, you’ll need a few very
healthy shakes of each: salt, pepper, all spice, cinnamon, nut meg, curry
powder, cumin seed, and cayenne pepper or red pepper flakes, turmeric, and a
small chunk of fresh ginger, which you’ve peeled and sliced.
If
you’re scared to spice up your food the way I do, then measure out about a
quarter teaspoon of each, and put them in another small bowl, making sure
they’re mixed up. Set these aside, too.
DIRECTIONS:
Cut
up or dice all ingredients- EVERYTHING!
This is the time consuming, hellish
part. I usually dice everything into small, thin pieces, but I have also made
late-night, post-dance-gig rushed versions of this dressing where I carelessly
chopped the peppers, celery and onions into larger chunks… so, whatever you
want to do is fine.
I cut the parsley with a scissors- and at the same time, if I am using fresh herbs, I cut them, too. If you want, you can also used diced packaged onions, cause crying while cutting onions is the worst, but I usually just weep my way through this part of the process.
I cut the parsley with a scissors- and at the same time, if I am using fresh herbs, I cut them, too. If you want, you can also used diced packaged onions, cause crying while cutting onions is the worst, but I usually just weep my way through this part of the process.
Skin
the sausages, and either crumble them or cut them into thin pennies, then get
‘em into in a very large frying pan or skillet with a little blop or two of
extra-virgin olive oil, and start cooking them. If you are making the veggie
version of this stuffing, just eliminate this step and start sautéing the
veggies. You want the sausages cooked through, and a little browned. When the
sausages are almost done, throw in the diced onions, garlic, peppers and
celery, parsley, and a few generous pats of butter and stir. You will need to
stir this continuously! Take a few pinches of both the herb mixture and the
spice mixture and throw them both in, according to your taste.
Have
a glass of wine here if you drink… or if you want to be like my father, make it
a scotch.
Make sure you’ve been bragging to
whomever is around! If no one’s at your house yet, send a few texts, tweet
about it, post a pic on Instagram, or update your status on Facebook about the manna from heaven which
you are creating. Do it… remember, you need to brag or it won’t turn out right!
Then preheat your oven to 350.
When
the veggies have almost cooked, throw in the apples, walnuts, mushrooms,
oranges, and pineapple, with all the juice from the can. Drain the can of water
chestnuts and throw those in too. At this point, you will probably need more of
the herbs and spice mixtures- I know I always do! And while you’re at it, just
start adding more pats of butter like a crazy person with a death wish! Stir it
all up well. Turn down the heat, put a lid on the pan, and keep stirring it
occasionally. Take a taste and figure out if you need to add more herbs and
spice… I know I would! While you’re at it, throw in some more butter.
Divide
your bread cubes up into two large bowls. Prepare according to the package, but
use your chicken or vegetable stock instead of water to moisten it up. Mix it
well, and then slowly start adding in the big mess of ingredients you’ve got in
the frying pan.
When
you’ve gotten the entire contents divided into the two big bowls, start mixing
it all up. Mix it until you think you’ll get carpal tunnel!
Take
a few pats of butter and grease your baking pans, yelling loudly that you’re
about to put this divine creation in the oven, and soon everyone’s going to be
hearing the angels sing. Divide the well-mixed dressing into the baking pans,
then put a few more pats of butter on top, cover them with the foil tightly,
and pop ‘em into the oven.
Let
them bake about fifteen or twenty minutes, then take the foil off, and let them
bake another ten or fifteen minutes so that the top gets browned and crunchy.
By this time, you’re going to be beating people out of the kitchen like a
lunatic, because the whole house will smell amazing. Have them make you a drink
and tell them they need to start cleaning up…cause the gorgeous aroma from the
dressing you created just enriched their sad, humdrum lives!
Take
the baking pans out of the oven and keep them covered until you serve them. I
usually make this the night before, and keep them in the refrigerator until
serving, because it allows the flavors and spices to marry. You can heat them
up on Thanksgiving Day (or whatever day falls after you make this unearthly
creation) and it’ll be even more divine.
Bon
Appetite, Happy
Holidays...and remember, the recipe won't turn out right unless you brag!
#
Get a signed copy of my memoir Showgirl Confidential here:
Get a signed copy of my memoir Showgirl Confidential here:
A
link to a reprint of the original recipe for this dressing…and for an
incredible turkey recipe, too is here: “Morton Thompson’s Turkey” by Richard
Gehman:
